Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you

I don't know what to do with this heart of mine. I am not all too sure why it feels the need to think on its own, like what i say isnt good enough. But its mine. And i must deal with it.

I find it interesting…I don’t care about my appearance until there is someone in my life I want to look good for. While I am single I will look a hot mess and not give four farts about what people think. But once I share a common interest with someone, all of a sudden I want to look good. I am pretty sure this is backwards but we are talking about me. You see, Brooklyn…that guy. I am still on the fence with him. I mean, in my head he is a great guy, but he doesn’t give me what I want. It’s like having a Verizon phone…(bare with me, those of you who have/had Verizon will get this) …you get this awesome phone that could probably cure aids or world hunger, but the network is so locked up that you have to pay an arm and a leg for the most basic functions. I feel that way about Brooklyn. He comes in this great package and has all the cool outer things that I like and the potential to put me in a blind love comma, but trying to get the most basic of things from him is so much work. One thing I would like is time. He has it, just doesn’t give it to me. But he is always “going to make it up to me”. Good thing I don’t hold my breath, or your girl would be gone, moon walking through the pearly gates with Mike.
Another issue I have is dude doesn’t understand the difference between affection and intimacy. These two things are very different. I want affection, to feel comfort when I am with you, to know that you are there for me. To show me this, you can hold my hand, place your hand on my lower back, stand close but not too close, put your arm around me, and make me feel secure. Intimacy, in my opinion is designed to make someone desire you, to draw arousal to the surface. Affection = Comfort, Intimacy = arousal, two different things. Why does he not know this? When I tell you I want affection I don’t want to have your babies, but what I want is to know that IF I did decide to have your babies, you would be a strong good man that could handle a family. There is a difference. Someone tried to justify his behavior and say, it’s because he is from NY…so I was like…what is that? People don’t hug in NY? (Feel free to answer that question) When we walk down the street you would think we don’t know each other.
I’m not all together sure what will become of this mess…I told myself to take these shoes off, but I still like to parade around in them. I guess I just haven’t come across a pair that I think look better…sigh…

Here I go on that bandwagon thing again…

Ok ok, let’s talk about race. Sigh…I tried to avoid this, seriously. But here are my 2.5 cents.

1.Don’t tell me you don’t see my color. My color is beautiful, just like my eyes, my thick lips and any other part of me.So see them, they look too darn good to miss.

2.Really, all colors are beautiful, from pale porcelain skin that looks extremely hot with a bold red lip and a smoky eye, to a summer golden tan that glistens in hues of gold. Love the color of almond skin, with nude lips and a hint of gloss that make men dream of kisses, and the deep chocolate colors of shoulder blades and exposed collar bones that make fairy tales blush.

3.The moment people stop trying to over look race and pretend it doesn’t exist, and actually start addressing the heart of the matter with maturity and openness to discussion without getting offended and with willingness for understanding, then and only then will the problem start to turn into a solution.

4.Racism is not one sided. EVERY color, culture, creed, and religious affiliation has a bias. It may not be you individually but it may very well be the person right next to you. So stop thinking that “it’s not us” because, it’s not just someone’s problem, its everyone’s problem.

5.There are some things that people will never see eye to eye on. This is a problem that goes beyond race, but it definitely hinders progress…the only way to overcome this is to just understand that respect does not equate acceptance. I can respect your views and opinions as yours but I don’t have to accept them as mine. We could co-exist, but that requires maturity and growth.

6.The moment people stop trying to turn things around by embracing racial slurs so that we can take the sting away, i.e. “taking back the N word” and accepting them for what they are, then maybe just maybe this confusion that exist when other races say it won’t cause too much damage. (And for the record, I don’t care what other race/minority you are, who your friends are or where you come from, when I hear other people say this word you automatically go on my hit list. I instantly loose all respect for you and mentally plan your death. Sorry…not really, but seriously, you can’t be mad if I happen to physically attack you and not stop until I see blood or a pulsating heart in my hands, without fear of being labeled an “angry black woman”)

And this is all I can think off right now. Yes I was taught prejudices when growing up, and yes I have been a victim of stereotypes on both sides, believing in them and being accused of them. Racism and ignorance is so embedded in people, that it is now intertwined with jokes and accepted as common place. It’s ok to be angry but allow your anger to push you to change. If you are going to do nothing within yourself to come to a solution then accept the world we live in and don’t get mad at the injustice. I have felt the bitter taste of a racist joke and being expected to laugh when I really wanted to cry or fight or whatever. There are some people on Xanga that I blatantly ignore because I honestly feel that it’s not a joke and people turn a blind eye to them. I also feel that some of those people should be beaten to a bloody pulp, but then again that does nothing to really help with the problem because then I’ll become the “angry black woman”. I am so guilty of some of these things as well…we all know things change when we get behind closed doors with people who are just like us.But that doesn’t fix the problem.

So, where am I going with this, well it’s just time that we grow up, stop blaming things on our parents and their poor parenting skills, stop making excuses for the way things are and start making changes within ourselves.

But who are we kidding, some of the benefits of racism are too good to let go for some, and others are too lazy to take up the responsibility to do better. So this was just like a rap song with a good beat and senseless words, people are too busy rocking to the beat to listen to the message. But at least I got it off my chest.